Thinking

Melanie got me thinking in her latest SparksFromACombustableMind blog, “Getting to know you“.  So, before I do what I came here to do tonight, I’ll start off by answering her questions.  Anyone reading this can feel free to jump in or not, as they wish.

QUESTIONS:

What keeps you up at night?

What’s the most surprising self-realization you’ve had?

What’s the most illegal thing you’ve done?

What lie do you tell most often?

What do you regret not doing?

What gives your life meaning?

What do you most often look down on people for? What do you think other people look down on you for?

What bridges do you not regret burning?

What are you most insecure about?

How do you get in the way of your own success?

What’s one thing you did that you really wish you could go back and undo?

What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

ANSWERS:

What keeps you up at night?

Anything and everything.  Why am I here?  Why do my feet burn?  Why didn’t I stay up longer until I was tired enough to ignore my pain and sleep.  You get the idea.  All self-centered things, combined with whomever I talked off the ledge that day, or whomever came a little closer to losing the battle that we all share when fighting COPD.  And, despite it all, it is a fight to face your mortality each and every day and remind yourself that you’re fine and that today is not THAT day.

What’s the most surprising self-realization you’ve had?

As annoying as I can be, I do have people that like me.  Really, really like me.

What’s the most illegal thing you’ve done?

Shop lifting.  As a kid, I’d steal the bottles from the back of the store and return them to the front in order to get cash for candy.  Or, I’d shoplift.  I don’t know where I was when I got the idea that this was the thing to do, but I know exactly where I was when I was busted by the store owner.  I was with my big city cousin, visiting her neighborhood, and yet I only remember me being busted.

What lie do you tell most often?

“Do what you want.  I don’t care.”  While I know that everyone will do exactly what they want, but I do care, and passionately, that they make the decision that I think is best for them.  Yep.  Shades of my Mother’s daughter.  It’s like I’m the only one in the world that can see its pitfalls, and like Wonder Woman, I must protect everyone from themselves all while standing to the side and allowing them to make their own mistakes.  Crazy.

What do you regret not doing?

Not being brave enough to defy my Mother’s worries and join the Merchant Marine upon graduation from High School.  I really wanted to be Julie McCoy, even though I’ve never been innocent enough or perky enough.  But, wiser heads counseled me on everything that she knew I’d hate, and so I listened and made a new plan.

What gives your life meaning?

Nothing.  Seriously.  I’ve struggled with the meaning of life since I was about 5 years old and I lost my baby brother and almost lost my Mother to her heartache.  It’s been 53 years, and I’m still clueless and no wiser about why we are all here and what it’s all supposed to mean.

What do you most often look down on people for? What do you think other people look down on you for?

  1. What do you most often look down on people for? Abandoning their responsibilities to children or the people that love them.  Yeah, those bags got packed a long time ago for me, and even though I made it out alive, I still worry about letting someone I’m responsible for down.  Even though I’m only responsible for myself.
  2. What do you think other people look down on you for?  THAT list is endless.  But, since I’m not supposed to be concerned with what others think of me, I try to ignore that question as people will be who they are and think what they like, regardless of the truth or circumstances.

What bridges do you not regret burning?

Kicking Daddy Dearest out of my life.  While there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and wonder how he’s doing, he needs more care than I can provide to deal with his toxic unhappiness.

What are you most insecure about?

My physical safety.  As my body fails me, that worry comes back to the forefront more and more often even though no one has jumped me in years, or been mean to my face.  I just worry about cliques and mob mentalities and frailty.

How do you get in the way of your own success?

My own big mouth.  Seriously.  I know it, yet I still keep on talking.  I never learn.

What’s one thing you did that you really wish you could go back and undo?

I was a horrible 12 year old raising a 4 year old while our Mother fought depression and Daddy Dearest did his manipulating best to steal everything not nailed down from our Mother, including her children.  Into this den of snakes, I was cast in the role of child minder – even though everyone in the world KNOWS that I suck at nurturing and child care.  I had some scary moments with my Baby Sis when she was supposed to mind me, and I was not supposed to lose control of her, ever, and yet we’d be off doing something in the big city and she’d sass me and I’d lose my mind with fear that I would not be able to keep her with me as she’d run off and I’d have failed in my responsibilities to care for her, as well as failed in my attempts to give her a fun day out.

Despite our best efforts to get along, share vacations, and generally enjoy each other as adults that can choose whether or not to be in each other’s life, she has decided that I’m persona non grata and I’m clueless as to what it was that I did that was the last straw.

The baggage between the two of us is so bad that she hasn’t talked to me since 2015, and I’m still not clear about what caused me to be tossed from her life as the toxic personality.  I’d fix it if I could, but it takes two so I’m just trying not to cause her heartache by pestering her while missing her desperately.

What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

A silly, useless old woman. Family Collage

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