Asking For Help.

Easier said than done.  I gave in and allowed a friend to help me last week, and we were unable to accomplish a task.  So, her husband (a guy I like and respect very much) is now coming over to my messy house tomorrow to see if he can turn the screws that the two of us were too weak to turn without stripping.

I’m tired just thinking about it.

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I can get work done around the house.

Or, I can keep up with cleaning the house.

Or, I can go out and do something fun.

So many choices, and yet so little time.  But, once I ask for help, then I have no control over what happens next, and I hate that loss of control.

I’ve been cleaning the house for a week (last week was REALLY embarrassing for how much stuff had to be moved before we could focus on the couple of things I needed done).  And I’m still not ready for her husband to see my messy house as part of helping me fix this particular problem…

Losing Jumanji

As for reasonings as to why I have such a “meh” attitude?  No idea.

I had a pretty good attitude at the beginning of the Summer.  I loved my trip to the UK.  But, the drama of the canceled flights.  And the frantic efforts to replace the tickets cost me $4,000 extra.  $3,750 for the flights, and $183 for the transportation to San Francisco.

Coming back from the UK, I was still carrying a pretty good attitude, but… paperwork.  I really hate paperwork…

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Fighting these issues, I was told I was only going to be reimbursed $1,000 ($500 per seat), and have been effectively told to pound sand since that point.  I know I need to write the insurance commissioner.  I know I need to chase British Airways.  Instead, I’m sleeping the days away.

I keep trying to tell myself that there’s plenty of time to get everything that needs to be done accomplished, and then I get frustrated when I am not strong enough to do something by myself and need to ask for help.

Help Paper cutut

And, in the middle of all this drama and whining I recall that I already asked for help (a simple ride to the airport when all transportation was booked), and now the friend who couldn’t give me a ride but who could arrange a short-notice car service won’t let me pay for the out-of-pocket costs. It’s not that I didn’t have the money – it’s that I couldn’t find anyone to take me.

And, being unable to pay my way with her is really driving me crazy and adding to my aggravation with myself and the world.

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Why is asking for help (and not getting the help you asked for in the way you requested it) more frustrating than necessary?

$183 is not chicken feed, and it’s making me crazy that she won’t accept the money back from me.  I’m trying to let it go and just leave the dollars in the CASH APP for her to accept or reject as she wishes, but – somehow – her unwillingness to let me repay her that exorbitant amount of cash is adding to my frustration with life in general.  I am not helpless.  I am not penniless.  (Even though I want my refund from either the travel insurance company or British Airways).

While none of this is a new viewpoint for me, it’s exhausting to not be able to get out of my own way and simply accept that things happen at their own speed, regardless of what I desire.

I guess the signs are right.  I’m not depressed, but I am grieving.

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Crazy, as there’s nothing particularly wrong.  But, having to give way to ask a man for help (and having to accept that help GRACEFULLY when you just want to do it Charlie Sheen style and pay a stranger to do the work because you’re really paying them to go away) speaks to a really shallow lack in my own nature.

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Whatever it is, I’m still out in the wilds trying to clear my head.

My COPD is ok.

I’m being productive.  Somewhat.

I just can’t seem to get out of my own way, my house is a mess, and I’m sleeping way too much.  So, I’m looking forward to another vacation running around with another friend in Oregon and Washington, and hoping that the vacation will do what I need it to do and snap me out of my pity party.

There endith this update.  You haven’t missed a thing.

Haiku

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FFS

WTF

Exhausted

Who, me?

Not today.

Get up.

Show up.

Try.

Rinse and repeat.

There has to be more to life than this.

On bad days, though, there’s online gambling.

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Life is what it is.

The insanity continues in the world, so I’m still on haitus.

This is my hiaitus haiku.