FWB’s without strings


As I deal with COPD, one of the key challenges involves sex.

– Can I have it?

– Will I have a coughing fit?  (If I do, will it be gross?  etc., etc., etc.)

– When does my FWB relationship end because I can’t keep up?

Mr. Right stopped by last night, and we were content to watch a movie and play for a bit before he went on his way.


Truly, having a birth defect, I never wanted anyone in my life full time, as I never wanted the fight over kids / no kids / not passing on the genes.

Plus, guys (when I was younger) were hormone-driven jerks, and I was terrified to get pregnant despite my best efforts to be careful.

So, I waited until I was in my mid-40’s (just like I always said I would), and I waited until I was able to use the internet to screen likely friends with benefits, and I lucked out.

Don’t get me wrong – I did burn a few pancakes along the way, as well as bury an FWB who also had COPD, and for whom I swore  wouldn’t fall.  Until his intelligence sucked me in, and we fell into bed together.  But, COPD took it’s toll on the both of us, and he eventually passed away.  There’s not a day that I don’t think of Dale, but they are good memories, even if I couldn’t be more than an FWB to him.

Everything thing I see, though, indicates that I’m being used (clarification:  “Society’s viewpoint, not my reality).

Seriously?  How about the fact that I’m using him?  I’m the one setting the boundaries, and I’m the one dictating that we can go x-distance and no further.  That sounds pretty mutual to me for having a working friendship that gives us both what we desire.

For your reference, the key word in “Friends with Benefits” is the “Friends” part.  If you don’t treat me well, if you aren’t honest, if you aren’t an upright, respectable person, then no sex is possible because you first failed the “friends” test.

– I don’t have plans to share a house with you.

– I don’t want you worrying over me, or holding my head while I’m sick.

– I just want you for the good times and happy memories.  I can do hard all on my own.


Last night was a good reminder that we can make it work when we both want to and have time.

We talked a bit about my hormones and the waning of desire.  Not desire for him, but desire for sex at all.  We talked about the last time we were together when it was too painful for me, but we still had fun (because yes, I am that kind of girl).  He apologized again for hurting me, and I had to correct his thinking.  He didn’t hurt me – my body just doesn’t react the way it used to, and as the COPD goes on, it’s a combination of changing hormones and lack of energy that’s causing the betrayal.  Not any kind of inconsideration on his part or disinterest on my part.

I’m truly a believer that to give or withhold sex is a conscious choice, and that you can always find a way to share comfort and sexual release with each other regardless of the state of your hormones or your health.  So long as the mental desire is there, and the wish to make the other person feel wanted and loved is there.

Yes, being sexually active with COPD is hard.  I was again coughing in nothing flat when we were kissing (and I have yet to figure out what that nonsense may be).  But, I controlled the pace and what was done, and I think we both left the moment feeling good despite the challenges.

At the end of the day, that’s all that one can ask.  A wonderful FWB in a relationship where we both respect each other and get what we need.

2 thoughts on “FWB’s without strings

  1. Bravo!! You have something rare and wonderful and I sincerely hope that little voice saying “you’re being used you know” shuts up and goes away somewhere (unless you ARE being used…and that’s your call)… I never did understand why FWB was considered a bad thing. “Most” men don’t want strings (even old guys like the kind that, if I were fishing, I’d catch) and a lot of women don’t either. I’m pigeonholing/profiling people and that always makes me blanche. There are men who are possessive and controlling and want their ‘woman’ wrapped up in strings everywhere, and there are women who think (in this day and age yet) that a ‘man’ is their only source of security. I’d love a FWB because I do miss having sex. Not possible in my present circumstances and so I watch others (in a good way, not voyeuristically) and enjoy their tales of fun! Thanks for sharing yours!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, I fixed the typos in this blog, so hopefully it makes more sense. In my case, the voices that bug me are that of society, not my FWB and not my subconscious. One woman I really respected, “Madeline1959”, on a blogging site that I used to enjoy, seemed to find a wonderful younger man, and then erase all traces of her life as a paid companion as she was worried about what the neighbors might think, as well as finding her own brand of self-recriminaations that seemed to poison sex for her.

    I get so tired of the whole issue being, “put a ring on it” vs. mutual respect.

    I’m sitting here hearing about a young woman who has the potential to earn $400k for selling her virginity (she wants to fix her house that was damaged and there was no insurance), and I think that we value sexual relations both way too highly (inexperience and being the “first” is worth what???), and way too lowly (i.e., if you had sex, as a woman, you’re not worth anything anymore unless there’s a ring on it).

    Bunny Ranch’s version of events:


    Vs. more mainstream press’s version of events, supposedly in Katherine’s own words:


    Heck, I came of age in a time when “God’s gonna get ya” for not following the rules and waiting for marriage, as well as the left-over bra burners promoting free sex and love, and then AIDS struck.

    The messages that society sends to our young women about their value in society is crazy, and that’s after it’s been 50 years since I started following my curiosity and deciding things for myself, outside of the socially imposed ideas about what is and is not appropriate.


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