As I deal with COPD, one of the key challenges involves sex.
– Can I have it?
– Will I have a coughing fit? (If I do, will it be gross? etc., etc., etc.)
– When does my FWB relationship end because I can’t keep up?
Mr. Right stopped by last night, and we were content to watch a movie and play for a bit before he went on his way.
Truly, having a birth defect, I never wanted anyone in my life full time, as I never wanted the fight over kids / no kids / not passing on the genes.
Plus, guys (when I was younger) were hormone-driven jerks, and I was terrified to get pregnant despite my best efforts to be careful.
So, I waited until I was in my mid-40’s (just like I always said I would), and I waited until I was able to use the internet to screen likely friends with benefits, and I lucked out.
Don’t get me wrong – I did burn a few pancakes along the way, as well as bury an FWB who also had COPD, and for whom I swore wouldn’t fall. Until his intelligence sucked me in, and we fell into bed together. But, COPD took it’s toll on the both of us, and he eventually passed away. There’s not a day that I don’t think of Dale, but they are good memories, even if I couldn’t be more than an FWB to him.
Everything thing I see, though, indicates that I’m being used (clarification: “Society’s viewpoint, not my reality).
Seriously? How about the fact that I’m using him? I’m the one setting the boundaries, and I’m the one dictating that we can go x-distance and no further. That sounds pretty mutual to me for having a working friendship that gives us both what we desire.
For your reference, the key word in “Friends with Benefits” is the “Friends” part. If you don’t treat me well, if you aren’t honest, if you aren’t an upright, respectable person, then no sex is possible because you first failed the “friends” test.
– I don’t have plans to share a house with you.
– I don’t want you worrying over me, or holding my head while I’m sick.
– I just want you for the good times and happy memories. I can do hard all on my own.
Last night was a good reminder that we can make it work when we both want to and have time.
We talked a bit about my hormones and the waning of desire. Not desire for him, but desire for sex at all. We talked about the last time we were together when it was too painful for me, but we still had fun (because yes, I am that kind of girl). He apologized again for hurting me, and I had to correct his thinking. He didn’t hurt me – my body just doesn’t react the way it used to, and as the COPD goes on, it’s a combination of changing hormones and lack of energy that’s causing the betrayal. Not any kind of inconsideration on his part or disinterest on my part.
I’m truly a believer that to give or withhold sex is a conscious choice, and that you can always find a way to share comfort and sexual release with each other regardless of the state of your hormones or your health. So long as the mental desire is there, and the wish to make the other person feel wanted and loved is there.
Yes, being sexually active with COPD is hard. I was again coughing in nothing flat when we were kissing (and I have yet to figure out what that nonsense may be). But, I controlled the pace and what was done, and I think we both left the moment feeling good despite the challenges.
At the end of the day, that’s all that one can ask. A wonderful FWB in a relationship where we both respect each other and get what we need.