Martyr

Today’s daily post prompt is entitled:    Martyr

I try very hard to not be a martyr to the changes going on in my life, but it can be hard.  As I sit here contemplating the annual costs that come with the holidays (food, lighting, gifts), all things that I can no longer afford.

Thanksgiving arrived, and while I was planning to make a simple dinner for myself, some friends invited themselves for dinner, and my budget went from $5o-ish to $161.  Budget blown.

Luckily, it’s about 2 weeks later, and I have another 2 weeks to get through before I get paid again, and my money is holding out, but it’s tight.

While I’m nobody’s martyr, I am aware that my choice of living situations is not to everyone’s preference.   One friend, as much as I love her, keeps on wanting to try and re-write my life.

First, she wanted to “gift” me of a new granite counter top when I simply planned to rehab the formica and paint the woodgrain nightmare of chips and missing strips so that I had a sanitary living area.  So, I got her to back off.

This visit, she looked at my couch and my TV, and immediately thought that it was not sufficient, and she needed to get me a large screen TV.  (Arghhhh!)  I have plans to get a larger TV once I finish rehabbing my house and have the smaller TV moved into the office. Plus, I’m not dealing with this until I get my money / 401K savings / income situation resolved by getting an answer on my benefits lawsuit.

Until I reach that point, I’m fine.

And, if the news turns out the way I don’t want it to, I’m nobody’s cause or martyr, Thank-you-very-much!

dino-xmas-from-michele-04dec16

This visit, she unpacked a dino santa, because she could not envision me without any holiday decorations.  Despite my telling her repeatedly over the years that I don’t celebrate Christmas through decorating, as I find it’s way too depressing to take everything down when the holiday ends.  Plus the storage to keep all the items, etc., etc., etc.

Nope, she’s stone deaf.

So, now I have a dino santa cheering up my yard, (and it is cute), however, it’s subtly increased my stress level as I’m scraping together the funds to purchase a solar-powered outlet for the front yard, as I’m very much concerned that I cannot afford the cost to power this beast until after the New Year arrives.  Yes, I’m just that practical.

Not wanting to be seen as a martyr to my impossibly tight budget and reduced circumstances as I redesign my life to be able to afford to continue to live independently despite an $8,000 a month reduction in income, I’ve kept my mouth shut.  But, I also found out how much she paid for this item, and it shocked me.  To the core.  Way too much money to be spent on foolishness, but especially when I cannot return the favor.  (Yes, I was raised proudly, and to not accept expensive items).

As my circumstances have raised and lowered, so have the cost of the items for points of reference.  Right now, that point of reference is at the zero mark.  And, I’m trying to remember my joy in sharing my financial blessings with others, but it’s coming smack up against my pride.  Silly, silly pride.  But, there you have it.  My shoulders and neck are in knots as I write this, because my pride is out of control.

I’m nobody’s martyr, but there’s going to have to be a “come to Jesus” conversation soon, as I’m nobody’s charity case (and she should not be spending her money on me when her own husband is out of work).  Where’s the line between pushing back to maintain sane boundaries, and honesty in a relationship?

I have no idea, as my own pride is clouding the picture.  Martyr to pride?  Maybe.

7 thoughts on “Martyr

  1. Weeelllll. Um. Okay how to couch this in terms that don’t raise your blood pressure more and make your pride sit up and say “HEY!” I get it about the pride and the not wanting to accept ‘charity’ and so forth. However there is another side to it. Really. I’m taught and I believe firmly that service to others – doing something for someone else without expecting recognition or payment – is mandatory for a good well lived life. Sometimes those of us with mobility issues (don’t you love labels?) or who are so far away from a person don’t have an option of DOING something (like your lovely friend who has come and helped you paint and such)…we must fall back on the money angle. And honestly? If it weren’t affordable in our budgets, we wouldn’t do it. Seriously. So don’t grovel and don’t feel like a charity case and let your blood pressure and pride settle down. We’re trying to share love. It’s just green sometimes. (and no I didn’t send you any money for Christmas)… 😉

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  2. What I’m trying to say, and saying it badly obviously, is that we want to do this. Well I do anyway. 🙂 And yeah I’ve got enough and more so it’s really not a challenge/burden to me. Happy Holidays sweetie!

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  3. Oh, I get it. You’re not who I’m grousing about. In my case, if I keep saying, “Hey, I’m not into X”, why keep on pushing it on me?

    The Christmas Dino is pushing me over the edge (my bad), and I agree with you about being of service to others. Heck, I’ve done things for others and never expected anything in return.

    I guess it’s the whole “thoughtful” factor that’s getting me. Like, if one doesn’t want a granite counter top or to decorate their yard to excess that they don’t have “taste”. Something like that. I’ll have to think about it some more because my head still isn’t on straight regarding this particular issue.

    But, hugs to you. I will get over myself. Eventually.

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  4. Okay it didn’t duplicate, it ‘ate’ my well thought out comment. Damn. What I said in the now digested comment that didn’t show up was that it was MY bad actually. I need to stop saying “should” or “need to” about issues that you’ve been more than clear about your position on. But do remember this stuff is being pushed on you (not my comments obviously) the STUFF that is offered is (to me) being offered because that person loves you. Wants to help from their perspective. And respect for your wishes should be (o there I go) paramount, not our own satisfaction. And I’m with you on the granite countertop..I’ve read that those things are germ catchers (not easy to get clean at a bacterial level apparently), and to me it would look out of place with the scheme you’ve got going for yourself there. And it is difficult to know when to gracefully accept the proffered ‘help’ and when to stand and say “Hey! You’re stepping on my boundaries!” I can’t do it, I don’t know why I think you can either. Um. The other comment that disappeared was better. Dang again!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nah, the comments are fine. And you’re right on a lot of it. I do need to learn to be less of a control freak, while also standing up for things I care about.

    The main point I have (and there is a point), is also the MAINTENANCE involved in whatever one gives to someone else – but especially when they are on a tight budget. If something someone gives me doesn’t get used because its too expensive to run, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t loved and appreciated (often how someone feels when their gifts aren’t used the way they were envisioned), but that its just too much for a very tight after-gifting budget. Again, practicality rears its ugly head.

    Oh, and the granite countertop issue? I agree ! I used to have a marble cutting board and rolling pin (I’ve been packed so long, I’m not sure if I can’t find the right box, or if I got rid of them as part of downsizing). Anyway, any time I’d cut bloody meat, the white marble would show red, and I’d have the bleach the heck out of that thing. One is supposed to do the same thing with granite (along with waxing it to update the “seal”). I just skip the whole labor factor by not having granite in the first place, LOL.

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