Today’s daily post prompt is entitled: Martyr
I try very hard to not be a martyr to the changes going on in my life, but it can be hard. As I sit here contemplating the annual costs that come with the holidays (food, lighting, gifts), all things that I can no longer afford.
Thanksgiving arrived, and while I was planning to make a simple dinner for myself, some friends invited themselves for dinner, and my budget went from $5o-ish to $161. Budget blown.
Luckily, it’s about 2 weeks later, and I have another 2 weeks to get through before I get paid again, and my money is holding out, but it’s tight.
While I’m nobody’s martyr, I am aware that my choice of living situations is not to everyone’s preference. One friend, as much as I love her, keeps on wanting to try and re-write my life.
First, she wanted to “gift” me of a new granite counter top when I simply planned to rehab the formica and paint the woodgrain nightmare of chips and missing strips so that I had a sanitary living area. So, I got her to back off.
This visit, she looked at my couch and my TV, and immediately thought that it was not sufficient, and she needed to get me a large screen TV. (Arghhhh!) I have plans to get a larger TV once I finish rehabbing my house and have the smaller TV moved into the office. Plus, I’m not dealing with this until I get my money / 401K savings / income situation resolved by getting an answer on my benefits lawsuit.
Until I reach that point, I’m fine.
And, if the news turns out the way I don’t want it to, I’m nobody’s cause or martyr, Thank-you-very-much!
This visit, she unpacked a dino santa, because she could not envision me without any holiday decorations. Despite my telling her repeatedly over the years that I don’t celebrate Christmas through decorating, as I find it’s way too depressing to take everything down when the holiday ends. Plus the storage to keep all the items, etc., etc., etc.
Nope, she’s stone deaf.
So, now I have a dino santa cheering up my yard, (and it is cute), however, it’s subtly increased my stress level as I’m scraping together the funds to purchase a solar-powered outlet for the front yard, as I’m very much concerned that I cannot afford the cost to power this beast until after the New Year arrives. Yes, I’m just that practical.
Not wanting to be seen as a martyr to my impossibly tight budget and reduced circumstances as I redesign my life to be able to afford to continue to live independently despite an $8,000 a month reduction in income, I’ve kept my mouth shut. But, I also found out how much she paid for this item, and it shocked me. To the core. Way too much money to be spent on foolishness, but especially when I cannot return the favor. (Yes, I was raised proudly, and to not accept expensive items).
As my circumstances have raised and lowered, so have the cost of the items for points of reference. Right now, that point of reference is at the zero mark. And, I’m trying to remember my joy in sharing my financial blessings with others, but it’s coming smack up against my pride. Silly, silly pride. But, there you have it. My shoulders and neck are in knots as I write this, because my pride is out of control.
I’m nobody’s martyr, but there’s going to have to be a “come to Jesus” conversation soon, as I’m nobody’s charity case (and she should not be spending her money on me when her own husband is out of work). Where’s the line between pushing back to maintain sane boundaries, and honesty in a relationship?
I have no idea, as my own pride is clouding the picture. Martyr to pride? Maybe.