Teary. Frustrated. Resilient.

Trying my hardest


I may be self-analyzing too much, but I’ve noticed my frustration level and temper getting out of control much faster as my journey through disability progresses.

Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have the daily diplomacy challenges that I used to have to force me to exercise control when frustrated.

Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have the daily mental challenges for juggling complex contract negotiations that leaves me so often frustrated when having to be resilient and handle what many people would think are routine tasks (such as buying a house).  The otherwise normal tasks now appear to be way too complex for me to ever want to have to deal with them (and I never was much for bureaucracy and needless gibberish in juggling finances, insurance or life in the first place).

Not sure what’s going on, but I hate the fact that we have Alzheimers in the family, and COPD, and I spend my limited “up time” worried that my mental capabilities are slipping as my oxygen levels drop.

Blue Angry Emoji

Feeling my face flush with anger, and my heart rate increase, and the tears threaten as I’m trying to comprehend complex tasks and feeling myself driven to tears of frustration really makes me aware of the toll the disease is taking on my coping abilities.  I hate my new flash point for anger erupting when I used to be able to control the angry blue meanie.

This morning, I was all set to sign my paperwork for the 401K loan, and found out that my moment of brilliance (remembering the after-tax ROTH IRA value from last years’ attempt at $9,7xx), was not reflected in the extraction of pre-tax 401K dollars they were using to fund my hardship withdrawal.  (Yay, one point for me !)

As I chased this through the various 401K agency channels, they agreed that they weren’t touching the IRA account and taking from only the pre-tax 401K accounts (Yay, I haven’t lost it completely!), but they couldn’t simply inform me that part of that money was also allocated to the $16k personal loan that hasn’t yet been repaid to my account.

It took 3 different agents to get to the point where someone could look at my account and TELL ME that part of the money (the missing $2k) was being held against the personal loan’s outstanding, unpaid value, and was not a loss in value within my account.

And, no, they could not re-allocate the funds backing the $16k loan to deal with the cashout for the hardship withdrawal.

Miss my mind the most

0 to 60 in terms of frustration and tears, which could have been resolved if the first guy had simply explained it directly – or, if I was smart enough to realize that the “apportioned” balance of my accounts applied to the loan, too.

Once the 3rd person was able to explain what the source of the missing funds were, it all made sense and the tears started.

I really miss who I used to be.


This dropping back into tears of frustration reminds me of my childhood, and I really don’t want to go there as the disability progresses.

Frustrated girl

Trying to remain positive as I prepare to (hopefully) qualify for funding and move into my new home within the next 6-8 weeks or so.

Losing $2,000 in income a month overnight has really escalated the necessity to resolve this matter NOW vs. waiting for the lawsuit against my employer (for matching salary benefits I paid into in the event of being put on disability).  I don’t want to live in the boonies of CA, so I just have to think positively and remind myself that I have to get over myself.

Until I reach that point, I’m 8 pounds heavier than I prefer to be (208 is for the birds on a 5’5″ frame), but I’m hoping that I’ll work it off as I get my life more into my own control and get out of my own way.

Until I reach that point, screw the diabetes and hand over the chocolate !

Chocolate vs Control

Oh, and watch lots of silly movies and listen to musicals to get over myself.  Whatever it takes to get through this fight to retain my independence.

Less Frustration



4 thoughts on “Teary. Frustrated. Resilient.

  1. Okay now. A couple of things I learned as I was traveling the path you’re now on: 1) It’s not a sign of senility to feel lost and frustrated at the stupidity of what passes for “customer service” agents these days. 2) Getting frustrated to the point of anger and bursting into tears or coming near to crying over things that wouldn’t bother in ‘normal’ circumstances is OKAY. Both of these are by-products of stress. You’re (IMHO…I’m no therapist nor mental health expert, but I’ve BEEN THERE) having panic attacks. Talk to your therapist about it. Maybe some mild meds for when that feeling is overwhelming is the answer. I took Xanax on an ‘as need’ basis during the worst of my own episode. And that piffle (sorry) about getting dumber is just that: PIFFLE. You are still burning bright on all eight cylinders and are managing your affairs and your life in an amazing way. You’re still smarter and cognitively more ‘with it’ than 98% of the population. The anger does worry the head people, and it’s destructive, so do talk to him/her about how angry you are and how fast you get triggered and see if they can’t offer some solutions. I can say I’m better than I was and I don’t fly off the handle or have rage so severe that I worry about the safety of others. I did at one point. Also there’s the dreaded “M” (menopause) to account for the quicker to anger scenario. Menopausal rage is a real thing. So take a deep breath, count to ten or just punch something. You’ll feel better. And remember the hard part is over.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so hoping it’s mostly menopausal rage, when it happens, Embeecee.

    I went through something like this as a kid for ADHD (and did take the meds during the PG&E lawsuit, too), but am hoping that it’s not time to add yet another med to my daily roster (currently at 11 + (if other things kick in). 11 is more than enough to try and feel normal, IMHO, but I will absolutely keep your recommendation in mind).

    Not seeing the therapist until September (boy, is she going to be surprised by all the changes), but absolutely will consider talking to the Pulmonologyst for meds in August (our next appointment) if it continues to get crazy. He was wonderful in helping me deal with Auntie’s issues for COPD vs. cognitive impairment / Alzheimers and helping her find wellness, so I will absolutely keep tracking this and see what happens next when I see him.


    1. Thanks, Will. Some days are better than others. Having “FINALLY” gotten my half of the paperwork delivered to the mortgage guys, I can feel my neck relaxing and my muscles loosening. Still covered in a messy rash, but the stress related to the house purchase is getting much better. Fingers crossed that I can carry this off and follow through with my plans.


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