I may be self-analyzing too much, but I’ve noticed my frustration level and temper getting out of control much faster as my journey through disability progresses.
Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have the daily diplomacy challenges that I used to have to force me to exercise control when frustrated.
Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have the daily mental challenges for juggling complex contract negotiations that leaves me so often frustrated when having to be resilient and handle what many people would think are routine tasks (such as buying a house). The otherwise normal tasks now appear to be way too complex for me to ever want to have to deal with them (and I never was much for bureaucracy and needless gibberish in juggling finances, insurance or life in the first place).
Not sure what’s going on, but I hate the fact that we have Alzheimers in the family, and COPD, and I spend my limited “up time” worried that my mental capabilities are slipping as my oxygen levels drop.
Feeling my face flush with anger, and my heart rate increase, and the tears threaten as I’m trying to comprehend complex tasks and feeling myself driven to tears of frustration really makes me aware of the toll the disease is taking on my coping abilities. I hate my new flash point for anger erupting when I used to be able to control the angry blue meanie.
This morning, I was all set to sign my paperwork for the 401K loan, and found out that my moment of brilliance (remembering the after-tax ROTH IRA value from last years’ attempt at $9,7xx), was not reflected in the extraction of pre-tax 401K dollars they were using to fund my hardship withdrawal. (Yay, one point for me !)
As I chased this through the various 401K agency channels, they agreed that they weren’t touching the IRA account and taking from only the pre-tax 401K accounts (Yay, I haven’t lost it completely!), but they couldn’t simply inform me that part of that money was also allocated to the $16k personal loan that hasn’t yet been repaid to my account.
It took 3 different agents to get to the point where someone could look at my account and TELL ME that part of the money (the missing $2k) was being held against the personal loan’s outstanding, unpaid value, and was not a loss in value within my account.
And, no, they could not re-allocate the funds backing the $16k loan to deal with the cashout for the hardship withdrawal.
0 to 60 in terms of frustration and tears, which could have been resolved if the first guy had simply explained it directly – or, if I was smart enough to realize that the “apportioned” balance of my accounts applied to the loan, too.
Once the 3rd person was able to explain what the source of the missing funds were, it all made sense and the tears started.
I really miss who I used to be.
This dropping back into tears of frustration reminds me of my childhood, and I really don’t want to go there as the disability progresses.
Trying to remain positive as I prepare to (hopefully) qualify for funding and move into my new home within the next 6-8 weeks or so.
Losing $2,000 in income a month overnight has really escalated the necessity to resolve this matter NOW vs. waiting for the lawsuit against my employer (for matching salary benefits I paid into in the event of being put on disability). I don’t want to live in the boonies of CA, so I just have to think positively and remind myself that I have to get over myself.
Until I reach that point, I’m 8 pounds heavier than I prefer to be (208 is for the birds on a 5’5″ frame), but I’m hoping that I’ll work it off as I get my life more into my own control and get out of my own way.
Until I reach that point, screw the diabetes and hand over the chocolate !
Oh, and watch lots of silly movies and listen to musicals to get over myself. Whatever it takes to get through this fight to retain my independence.