Coddling vs. Lazy

A Girl Writing

“A Girl Writing” is a beautify painting by Henriette Browne that I came across in my internet travels at some point today.

I’m using her as my blog image, as I’m trying to figure out if I’m coddling myself, or just being lazy.

So many things are going on (mentally), and the Orlando violence and resulting debate didn’t help any.

I am managing to get up every day and do a few things, but for the most part I’m just coasting along.  The house needs to be cleaned up (paperwork everywhere in half-finished piles).  I’ve misplaced my Roku control for the living room TV (horrors!), so I’m spending more time in my messy workshop / bedroom, and not a lot is getting done.

I want an answer from the Disability people, as so much of my life is a house of cards, and that deadline for the rent increase is looming.

I am lucky in that another $2,500 or so is being deposited in my account from work for my RSUs (so my house money will continue to grow), but I’m obsessing over whether or not I know what my life will be, and if I am going to be able to purchase a mobile home, or if I’m going to be thrown to the wind and told that I’m well enough to not need the protection of disability benefits.

I met a new person at yesterday’s Better Breather’s Club, a former Respiratory Therapist who was challenging me on my not working (so **NOT** her business), and I just didn’t need to hear from another member of the peanut gallery who is not involved in my situation.

What I want to hear from are the powers-the-be who have the life and death decision in their hands, and aren’t doing much of anything.

Since I’m not getting that information, I’m busy coddling myself puttering in the garden (I love the smell of growing tomatoes), and getting some sunshine on my swollen feet.

Yes, I should be going to the YMCA every day.  However, I’ve fallen out of place there, and was challenged at my missing so many sessions when I went last week (***Another person who needs to know that my choices are NOT their business***), and even if they mean well, I’m just not up to any sort of personal attention.

I appreciate it, but I just want to be left alone to do what I want when I want, and not have to say that I’m “Lazy” vs. the fact that I’m not sure what’s going on with my health.

February – I was at 29% breathing capacity:

08FEB16 - 29 percent breathing

March – I was at 25% breathing capacity:

28MAR16 - 25 percent breathing

What does it all mean?  No idea.

Healthy male’s test results:

Same Breathing test - full color measuresments

I’ve looked on the website of the manufacturer of the breathing machine to try and interpret what these newer tests are saying, and other than knowing that I’m not a healthy white male with good test results, I just know that I’m still walking around and doing the best I can do.

Being housebound is playing with my mind, as I don’t do “waiting” well.

Trying to stay on top of a regular schedule, including getting up routinely, as well as going to bed at a decent hour each night (never a problem.  It’s the STAYING asleep that wears me out, LOL).

Add in this newest gem of getting up for a while each morning, and then going back to bed for a nap because I’m freezing (what the heck is that all about?!!?), and I’m doing ok.  Millions would envy me, I’m so doing ok.  But merely existing is not enough for me.  I need a purpose.  A place to be.  Something to do that matters.  Whatever !

So, whether it’s coddling myself to take things easy while waiting, or being lazy, I still don’t know.  But, I’m here.  I’m going through the motions.  And I’m buying a whole bunch of event tickets to shows to keep myself busy.  Spending more $ that I should be putting into the “future house fund” because I just can’t let cash sit around when I could be busy having experiences and learning something or being captivated, or merely entertained for a few hours.

The lawyer may have said, “No traveling!” but he didn’t say that I couldn’t go to movies and shows.  Or fishing.  I bought a new rod and got my mini rod fixed, so fishing is absolutely in my future.  As soon as I have time.

All those shows and other daily appointments are calling my name first…

A Beautiful Glass promo

The Velocity of Autumn 26JUN16

DariusRucker_July2016

John Leguizamo Latin History promo

The lawyer may be telling me that I have to sit and do nothing, as is his right.  But, I refuse to simply sit and rot away.  It’s just not good for me physically, as well as it’s not good for me mentally.

I have so many things that I want to make progress on right now, that I will make myself nuts (or, crazier than I already am), if I don’t get a handle on this restlessness for being forced to monitor everything I do and say to comply with non-medical advice on medical issues.  Frustrating.

I see the doctor on Friday (can’t happen soon enough!), and I will hopefully get the kick in the pants I need for having him clarify that I can do do anything I feel capable to do, in writing, in my medical file, so that I won’t jeopardize my fight for benefits and can get the lawyer pacified and off my back.

For now, it’s just the same old / same old.

I hate feeling restless and trapped.  Absolutely encourages coddling or laziness.  Or, outright defiance, which can be a form of self-sabotage I’m actively fighting.  Only time will tell which part of me will win.

 

9 thoughts on “Coddling vs. Lazy

  1. From what I know of you, you are NOT being lazy. I don’t honestly think you could. My sibling that lives near here and I recently had a talk and this subject happened to come up. He is careful to avoid using the word ‘lazy’ (although I suspect that’s what he’s thinking) and I carefully avoid using the word “work-a-holic” although that IS what HE is. I asked him why he never felt he could just sit down and be still. He looked frightened. He said he didn’t know, but somehow sitting equates death for him. He said he thought he’d work until he died (as our father did) because he wouldn’t know what to do if he could NOT work. I said “You’d work at your house, in your yard and putter around there, wouldn’t you?” (he isn’t so far from retirement – he’s our age..so maybe 12 years or so) He said he thought it would drive him crazy not to ‘have focus’ as he put it. I said I thought too much focus would drive him crazy and give him a bigger ulcer (I do). What does this have to do with YOU? Nothing I suppose – it started out as a compliment and morphed. Sometimes comments do that. :O !

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So what I was going for in that long morphed comment was that I don’t think you CAN be ‘lazy’ as I understand the definition of the word. I do think (and I shared this with my sibling) that being still is a talent and takes practice. It’s not bad in moderation, it IS awful in excess. I have developed, recently, a worrisome pain in my right pointer finger (the one next to the thumb), it is losing flexibility and it is painful almost 24/7. I’m losing the function of it, I can’t use it to write with any more (I CAN write, it just looks like I’m drunk or something), and typing is painful. I get stabbing pains in my back (the shoulder blade on the right side) and I have almost complete immobility in my left neck time to time (only happened a few times). I took this problem to a doctor here and they came to the conclusion (because there is nothing wrong on the X-rays of hand and neck – no arthritis, no fractures or anything – it LOOKS normal) the conclusion that I have a pinched nerve at my C-6 vertebrae in my neck. A present from a long-ago car accident in which I got whip lash and was immobile on the left side of my neck for weeks. But there was no hand involvement. This PA (you never see the DOCTOR first any more, do you?) recommended physical therapy (heat and massage) and some topical analgesic (pain reliever) to see if it helps. I’ll see him again in 3 weeks. If no improvement, I get to go to a hand specialist and do nerve conduction studies and blah de blah blah.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so hear you on this one ! Being aware that you have a body that’s not working right is maddening.

      As for me, I do pretty good being still (I no longer sit and shake my leg or feel like my heart is going to burst from my chest, I have ADHD so badly that sitting still can be a chore, LOL).

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  3. Sorry. I’m hijacking here. But this thought is so long and WP isn’t conducive to chatty comments I’ve found. I was disheartened horribly when I heard “therapy”. Since my visit last week I haven’t been back for my knee. The amount of pain that was caused was out of sight and I’m not taking any pain meds (I don’t have any that will work properly..the prescription ones are too strong and the OTC ones are too weak ((I guess)) ). Getting to the point I swear. I’ve been terrified of going back. I see the surgeon next week and I finally called them (therapists) and told them I’d be back for my KNEE after I saw the surgeon but not before. I will go for the neck thing because I don’t think it will cause huge amounts of pain. And this finger business is scaring me. BUT. I’ve had the well meaning (I don’t think those sorts of remarks are well meaning, but mean and nosy) individuals who say things like you have encountered about my being able (or unable) to work, and the therapists yammering about my missing appointments. I came up with this solution to those kinds of folks – I simply say “Really? You’ve had MY symptoms and you understand MY level of pain (lack of mobility, ennui) ? How awful for YOU! I do hope you feel much better soon!” It stops the most aggressive of helpful advice givers who don’t know what the hell they are talking about, because they aren’t >insert YOU or MEinsert annoying asshole who has offered advice/sage wisdom/trite stupid comment< out of your head. They don't know what YOU personally are going through." Good advice, isn't it? 😉 Take care sweetie. You WILL push through this period of inactivity (as you see it) and knowing you will do the right thing for your situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you updated me about your therapy. You’ve really had me worried with that topic. I am so hoping that they can find a way to help you get better without causing you more pain. At the least, they should be able to find some sort of medium pill that will work without knocking you out.

      Can you slice your pills in two and take half a dose? I have one of those wonderful pill cutters for Katie’s long-ago medicine, and they do work wonders.

      Hugs, and I hope you get an answer soon. Oh, and don’t be fobbed off on a PA. Seriously. If you’re paying Doctor’s rates, tell them you intend to see the doctor and will not accept substitutes.

      As for the snappy comeback – you go, girlfriend ! I love it. Unfortunately, I’m just not that sharp. We’ll see how it goes, though, now that I have your suggested wording.

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  4. Now see? That last comment has a whole section missing! :O The last bit SHOULD read: because they aren’t >insert YOU or MEinsert annoying asshole who has offered advice/sage wisdom/trite stupid comment< out of your head. … Gotta love brevity. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Damn. okay there are two inserts. One stops at Me. Then there is a sentence that is missing in both prior comments “My head doctor whom I saw yesterday told me “to get the (another insert) annoying asshole.. and ends at comment. OMG. If this comment FUBARS, I’ll stop typing. I hope something about this makes sense. And down the rabbit hole we go!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love it ! Your head doc is cheering you on. That’s such good news. I cried all through my appointment with mine yesterday (nothing in particular is wrong, I just hate talking about these various topics in person SO MUCH that the stress fairly runs off my body and out my eyes). Luckily, she puts up with my inability to verbalize without being able to contain my tears, so it’s ok (if exhausting).

    You feel free to hijack my blog any time you’d like, as I always look forward to your viewpoint – even when wordpress is “helping” you by stealing your comments.

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