“A Girl Writing” is a beautify painting by Henriette Browne that I came across in my internet travels at some point today.
I’m using her as my blog image, as I’m trying to figure out if I’m coddling myself, or just being lazy.
So many things are going on (mentally), and the Orlando violence and resulting debate didn’t help any.
I am managing to get up every day and do a few things, but for the most part I’m just coasting along. The house needs to be cleaned up (paperwork everywhere in half-finished piles). I’ve misplaced my Roku control for the living room TV (horrors!), so I’m spending more time in my messy workshop / bedroom, and not a lot is getting done.
I want an answer from the Disability people, as so much of my life is a house of cards, and that deadline for the rent increase is looming.
I am lucky in that another $2,500 or so is being deposited in my account from work for my RSUs (so my house money will continue to grow), but I’m obsessing over whether or not I know what my life will be, and if I am going to be able to purchase a mobile home, or if I’m going to be thrown to the wind and told that I’m well enough to not need the protection of disability benefits.
I met a new person at yesterday’s Better Breather’s Club, a former Respiratory Therapist who was challenging me on my not working (so **NOT** her business), and I just didn’t need to hear from another member of the peanut gallery who is not involved in my situation.
What I want to hear from are the powers-the-be who have the life and death decision in their hands, and aren’t doing much of anything.
Since I’m not getting that information, I’m busy coddling myself puttering in the garden (I love the smell of growing tomatoes), and getting some sunshine on my swollen feet.
Yes, I should be going to the YMCA every day. However, I’ve fallen out of place there, and was challenged at my missing so many sessions when I went last week (***Another person who needs to know that my choices are NOT their business***), and even if they mean well, I’m just not up to any sort of personal attention.
I appreciate it, but I just want to be left alone to do what I want when I want, and not have to say that I’m “Lazy” vs. the fact that I’m not sure what’s going on with my health.
February – I was at 29% breathing capacity:
March – I was at 25% breathing capacity:
What does it all mean? No idea.
Healthy male’s test results:
I’ve looked on the website of the manufacturer of the breathing machine to try and interpret what these newer tests are saying, and other than knowing that I’m not a healthy white male with good test results, I just know that I’m still walking around and doing the best I can do.
Being housebound is playing with my mind, as I don’t do “waiting” well.
Trying to stay on top of a regular schedule, including getting up routinely, as well as going to bed at a decent hour each night (never a problem. It’s the STAYING asleep that wears me out, LOL).
Add in this newest gem of getting up for a while each morning, and then going back to bed for a nap because I’m freezing (what the heck is that all about?!!?), and I’m doing ok. Millions would envy me, I’m so doing ok. But merely existing is not enough for me. I need a purpose. A place to be. Something to do that matters. Whatever !
So, whether it’s coddling myself to take things easy while waiting, or being lazy, I still don’t know. But, I’m here. I’m going through the motions. And I’m buying a whole bunch of event tickets to shows to keep myself busy. Spending more $ that I should be putting into the “future house fund” because I just can’t let cash sit around when I could be busy having experiences and learning something or being captivated, or merely entertained for a few hours.
The lawyer may have said, “No traveling!” but he didn’t say that I couldn’t go to movies and shows. Or fishing. I bought a new rod and got my mini rod fixed, so fishing is absolutely in my future. As soon as I have time.
All those shows and other daily appointments are calling my name first…
The lawyer may be telling me that I have to sit and do nothing, as is his right. But, I refuse to simply sit and rot away. It’s just not good for me physically, as well as it’s not good for me mentally.
I have so many things that I want to make progress on right now, that I will make myself nuts (or, crazier than I already am), if I don’t get a handle on this restlessness for being forced to monitor everything I do and say to comply with non-medical advice on medical issues. Frustrating.
I see the doctor on Friday (can’t happen soon enough!), and I will hopefully get the kick in the pants I need for having him clarify that I can do do anything I feel capable to do, in writing, in my medical file, so that I won’t jeopardize my fight for benefits and can get the lawyer pacified and off my back.
For now, it’s just the same old / same old.
I hate feeling restless and trapped. Absolutely encourages coddling or laziness. Or, outright defiance, which can be a form of self-sabotage I’m actively fighting. Only time will tell which part of me will win.