Still don’t know if my Disability will be approved for long term status based on yesterday’s test – on what appeared to be a 1960’s era machine – but I got through the test, which is half the battle.
However, my employer continues to remain silent after Friday’s frustrating conversation, (they want me to quit, so I continue to sit and wait, trying to keep busy), while the wheels of bureaucracy spin at their maddeningly slow pace.
The talk therapy right after the test was interesting, as the Doc had thrown out a question after our last session, right as it was ending, which stuck like a burr under my saddle all month. “You’re very angry, aren’t you?”
So we picked up the conversation where we left off, with my agreeing that I was but also offering the challenge back: “Does it matter?” and, “Do you see it as self-destructive?”
Since talking to the lawyer and my employer last week, I’ve put that anger to productive use, working in the garden, planting tomatoes, trimming back rose bushes, and scrubbing out the oven. I was taught to work off my anger or use it as a motivator to accomplish a task, as turned inward, it only leads to self-harm through depression and/or despair. I can’t change my birth defect’s impact on my life, but I can manage how I react to it, ensuring that I focus my energies outward, to exhaust myself while finding a way to keep busy and motivated to enjoy life despite the challenges. And all without triggering a COPD exacerbation.
Don’t know if the talk therapy is doing me any good or not, but it’s not hurting me. And, it’s one of the doctor roster recommendations they want to see on my team if I do move forward with stem cell therapy. So, I go. We talk. I cry (because I can’t always get the words out without the tears) and we move on.
Waiting to find out if I’m approved for long term disability, disapproved, or need more tests is going to take a couple of weeks. For now, I remain in limbo and my savings are holding out, so it’s ok. Some days, that’s the best you can hope for.