Stymied. Angry. Frustrated


Not sure what’s going on between my ears, but last week was a struggle.

Got a couple of verbal body blows that have been haunting me.  Any time something sticks with me that long, there must be some truth in it.  So, fighting against the truth versus what I tell myself is going on has been a struggle.

Can’t say I’m out of the woods yet, mentally, but I’m doing what I can each day to absorb the message and keep on breathing vs. fighting back.

You can’t learn, if you’re stuck in your own viewpoint and scrapping to be “right”, so I’m focusing on trying to understand what I can learn from this very challenging situation.

On the one hand, the powers-that-be for coping with COPD recommend one having a therapist for dealing with care issues and emotional / mental health issues which may arise.  I’ve never had one / believed in one, so it’s an extra hard struggle for me.  Add in the fact that the stem cell treatment plan encourages one to have a therapist, and I decided to bite the bullet and get on board.

Found a talk therapist who deals with grief, life coaching, etc., and signed up with her about 6 months ago.  Very interesting woman to talk to, but I can’t tell if the talks make any difference as I think I know it all about my disease progression, and don’t have anything really to work on.  Until we got to this week, and the whole “anger” issue came up.

Yes, I’m angry.

Yes, life is unfair and that makes me angry.

No, I can’t change the hand I’ve been dealt, so getting angry is pointless.

I understand all that, and think I do a good deal letting the anger pass by working it off through keeping busy and not focusing on things I can’t change.  However, just writing this has me tearing up, so maybe there’s some further housekeeping that needs to be done on this topic.

Yes, anger is neither good nor bad. But, anger can eat one alive if you let it.  I don’t think I’m at that point (or ever been at that point with regard to the hand I’ve been dealt), but maybe I’m fooling myself.

The topper to my difficult week, though, was being called out of the blue by the lawyer and told that I did something wrong that could harm my case (I wrote a letter that was too long and too well-thought-out).  Being verbally dressed down, and having no way to find a win-win viewpoint because the lawyer is always right, and I am just some incompetent idiot that he has to help on his way to his own payday.  Sheesh !

Ltr example

(The letter is purposely fuzzy so that you can’t read that content while still being able to see how long it was once finished).

Seriously, though?  I did what he asked me to do, and I got slapped down for it.  (Throwing up hands in a plea for mercy or in capitulation over the craziness of life).

I am not one to play games, even though I’ve based my life on negotiations and diplomacy / game playing is part of that world.

2 thoughts on “Stymied. Angry. Frustrated

  1. See my comment on your other blog about this. Make the therapist help you understand WHY they feel you’re “angry” and then make them give you concrete steps to work on to help with it. I’ve always been in the ‘pro’ corner for therapy and will happily sing praises and try to get people to at least go talk to somebody if they come to me with something that seems like a professional would be a better party to help. AND. There are more incompetents in the field of psychotherapy (IMHO) than competent ones. If you have a good one, work with her; if she’s (in your opinion) just shoveling platitudes at you and doesn’t actually HELP, find another. They are almost as plentiful as lawyers today. And your lawyer is working for YOU and if he gets too abrasive, maybe remind him of that. Plus didn’t you say he TOLD you to write that letter? Then ask him why he’s pissed that you did what he asked. I really feel a blog of mine own regarding this whole mess that “being paid to be disabled” is becoming (in the eyes of powers that be anyway) and I’ll expound further there and quit hogging your blog. Have a better week sweetie!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hog away, your thoughts are always insightful.

    As for the therapist, the “why does it matter if I have anger / am angry” matter is going to be top of our conversational list for next time. (These things always come up as the session is ending, LOL). I agree about the quack factor, but I’m not getting that from her. Since I need someone on my stem cell team in her role, we’ll work through it or I’ll make a new choice. For now, I’m mostly going through the motions and trying to be open (when I clearly have a closed mind about the value of talk therapy for me).

    As for the lawyer… Good points but “nope”.

    First, a lawyer won’t take a contingency case unless there’s a healthy amount of moola and ego stroking in it for him. Second, I already raised the, “but you told me to” issue with him, and it swirled right into a Captain of the Ship / Paternalistic issue, so it’s mastering my own anger at having to put up with that sort of style from him that’s got me stewing in my own juices. This is a case where his failings and shortcoming are running right into my own. Being the feminist and standing up for myself out of emotions vs. anger is not the best way to proceed. Yes, it would be satisfying to do a Sugarbaker Smackdown on him (i.e., “Designing Woman”), but it would cost me my ultimate goal – getting the benefits I earned – so mastering my own frustrations and emotions is where I think the smackdown is needed right now.

    I may be 100% justified in my view, but I don’t have his talent and energy in this particular fight. So, if I want him to go to bat for me, I’m the one that has to adjust. He’s already apologized once on a different issue (very surprising), but did it in such a way that I know any other apologies from pointing out his errors are going to cost me more than it’s worth. The key thing I’m trying to remember: You don’t hire someone for their talents, and then try and tell them how to do their job.

    The thing that makes him a great lawyer is the same personality that’s so irksome in his interpersonal and customer relations. It’s truly just about understanding that he can’t (or won’t) change because that’s just who he is (and part of why I hope to achieve success at the end of this fight – his dogged determination that he’s right, and willingness to take on all comers). So, we’ll see.

    I got the first of my RSU money over the weekend, and am busy distracting myself with plans to get to Stonehenge next Summer by working on that adventure’s budget, route and timeline. It’s not working completely, but by the time that trip comes around in a year from June, I’ll have taken pains to create an amazing experience, regardless of the outcome of the lawsuit. This month’s skirmishes with life will have faded.


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