Not sure what’s going on between my ears, but last week was a struggle.
Got a couple of verbal body blows that have been haunting me. Any time something sticks with me that long, there must be some truth in it. So, fighting against the truth versus what I tell myself is going on has been a struggle.
Can’t say I’m out of the woods yet, mentally, but I’m doing what I can each day to absorb the message and keep on breathing vs. fighting back.
You can’t learn, if you’re stuck in your own viewpoint and scrapping to be “right”, so I’m focusing on trying to understand what I can learn from this very challenging situation.
On the one hand, the powers-that-be for coping with COPD recommend one having a therapist for dealing with care issues and emotional / mental health issues which may arise. I’ve never had one / believed in one, so it’s an extra hard struggle for me. Add in the fact that the stem cell treatment plan encourages one to have a therapist, and I decided to bite the bullet and get on board.
Found a talk therapist who deals with grief, life coaching, etc., and signed up with her about 6 months ago. Very interesting woman to talk to, but I can’t tell if the talks make any difference as I think I know it all about my disease progression, and don’t have anything really to work on. Until we got to this week, and the whole “anger” issue came up.
Yes, I’m angry.
Yes, life is unfair and that makes me angry.
No, I can’t change the hand I’ve been dealt, so getting angry is pointless.
I understand all that, and think I do a good deal letting the anger pass by working it off through keeping busy and not focusing on things I can’t change. However, just writing this has me tearing up, so maybe there’s some further housekeeping that needs to be done on this topic.
Yes, anger is neither good nor bad. But, anger can eat one alive if you let it. I don’t think I’m at that point (or ever been at that point with regard to the hand I’ve been dealt), but maybe I’m fooling myself.
The topper to my difficult week, though, was being called out of the blue by the lawyer and told that I did something wrong that could harm my case (I wrote a letter that was too long and too well-thought-out). Being verbally dressed down, and having no way to find a win-win viewpoint because the lawyer is always right, and I am just some incompetent idiot that he has to help on his way to his own payday. Sheesh !
(The letter is purposely fuzzy so that you can’t read that content while still being able to see how long it was once finished).
Seriously, though? I did what he asked me to do, and I got slapped down for it. (Throwing up hands in a plea for mercy or in capitulation over the craziness of life).
I am not one to play games, even though I’ve based my life on negotiations and diplomacy / game playing is part of that world.