I don’t have a lot to say right now because I’m frustrated and trying to keep myself in check so that the anger doesn’t turn into pointless despair and / or depression.

I know things will get better given time and healthy movement (vs. sitting like a sloth), as cleaning / movement are very healthy outlets for anger and frustration.

Right now, I’m trying to motivate myself to go to the YMCA, and yet I’m still sitting here, “thinking” about it.

I generally don’t like to consider myself an angry person, yet anger seems to be my go-to emotion when frustrated or stymied by an unresolvable situation.

The therapist told me this week that I’m an angry person and left it at that.  Seriously?  Could you expand a little more, as I’m just not seeing it as a problem that shapes my life.

On the things I can’t change or control, I try to write it off to help clean it out, especially if I can’t change it.  Purging my emotions to exhaust myself of my anger has been my solution for years and years.  So, can you expand on your thoughts a bit more, please?

Do I have something I need to work on, or work on in a different  manner?  Expounding on your thoughts would have been good, as I’m sitting here chewing on my own tail and it’s not pretty.

Add into this weeks events the neighbors from h*ll, the Bickersons, alternately cooing and fighting, and blasting Eminem’s rap music when they are starting their days…

Then, the topper, to be called on the carpet by the lawyer for writing a note to my boss in Germany – AFTER he told me to do so – because it was too detailed, too demonstrative of my ability to function at an executive level – and I’m just tired.  Tired and frustrated.  Handicapped is not incompetent.

Trying get my handicapped status confirmed when it’s a worsening birth defect is particularly challenging, as I’ve spent my entire life hiding the effects of this disease and trying to pass for normal.  So, needless to say, I hate having to deal with being vulnerable to the point of game playing because that’s just not how I roll.

At this point, I’m going to take my own advice and head for the beach to clean this garbage out of my brain.  Skip the YMCA for now.  Recharge my batteries.  Hope I find something pretty to photo in my explorations to help recharge my batteries.


I hope you have a good day wherever you may be.

4 thoughts on “Derailed

  1. I’m sorry that this is happening, and I could offer trite phrases like “it’s darkest before the dawn and clouds have silver linings’ and other pap, but I agree with your particular solution – change your scenery, change your focus, change your thoughts. You know what you’re doing and you know that you have medical reasons for seeking disability and f*ck the bureaucrats who just see ‘disabled’ as a number or a paper in front of them and not as PEOPLE. I am writing a rant today about something I got in the mail from the gov’mint. It’s a knee jerk reaction and I’m flying off the handle etc etc, but I’m still fuming over the kind of thinking that boxes everyone with disabilities into a little cubicle labeled “lazy faker trying to take advantage of society’. Grr. I hope HOPE you are feeling better today and that the dose of sea air and sunshine got your spirits back to square. And thanks so much for offering a hand to that blogger who was seeking answers. You’re MARVELOUS!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OH (squirrel).. I forgot to mention that you need to tell your thoughts to your therapist. Saying you are ‘angry’ (or >insert descriptive word < )and not expounding is a trick they use (at least in my experience). I was labelled 'angry' and I looked at the woman and said "Well yeah I GET that. Now how do I go about NOT BEING ANGRY so much?" and we got a dialogue going and now I have some things to work on. Sometimes you have to bring the game back to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent points, and that’s exactly what I’m pondering between now and our next appointment. I get that I’m angry – that’s a first reaction go to emotion for me, that I’ve learned to squash or distract over the years until I can reason my way through my anger to calm myself.

    I’ve had one or two instances where I’ve delivered a Sugarbaker Smackdown at work (probably why I got the nick name “Pitbull” for my own style in not letting go of something if I think the company deserves whatever concession I’m demanding the opposition provide), and while I would do it again in a heartbeat, I always feel it’s my own failing for misreading a situation if the smackdown backfires and gets me unintended consequences vs. the results desired.

    Three times I’ve let the anger loose, and it got me fair treatment in response (women were the focus). Twice I’ve let it loose, and made an enemy for life (men were the focus). So, I’m trying to learn from my own behaviors and the reactions of the people involved, and do a quick and dirty analysis on their responses, and I think the gender / testosterone factor has to be weighed in.

    So, time will tell.

    Thanks for your support, though, and I hope I hear back from the Quilting blogger as I have lots more ideas if she’s open to hearing from a stranger with time on her hands, LOL.


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