Search for a deeper purpose or meaning in the battle to live


I think the hardest thing for me to do, is to find a sense of urgency about everything I want to accomplish before I leave this earthly plane.

I heard back from the lawyer that the Cemetery is still disputing my mother’s (estate’s) claim to the grave which holds the remains of my baby brother, Jimmy.  No surprise, there.  Replied with instructions to stay the course, and go after Daddy Dearest to once again buy back his half of the plot, or allow me to pay him for my brother’s remains so that he may be exhumed and reburied with my Mom.

Didn’t get any flowers from my baby sis on my birthday (clear confirmation that she’s still p*ssed off), and so I was proactive to update the lawyer that my being put out on disability was on track, while also reminding her to emphasize that it was me, alone, responsible for any drama that Dear Old Dad might choose to stir up once he gets the offer letter.  Maybe, my written confirmation that I’ve likely got only 3-5 years left (and thus he’ll outlive me) will work to sway his cold, black heart.  Heaven knows, I learned from the best how to be heartless.


It’s very hard to put a delicate negotiation like this in the hands of another, but if heaven exists, and I get in to see Mom, she’ll know I tried my best after screwing up for resolving this at the time of her death.  If she no longer exists, and life ends on this earthly plane with no rhyme or reason beyond chaos theory, then that’s ok, too.

The reward is in the doing.  And the prevailing to achieve one’s goals.

If this ends up like some crappy morality tale, where the solution came too late to make a difference, then them’s the cards we played, and he wins.  Again.

I just know that I can’t trust this to baby sis as she wasn’t a part of this story, and as her belief system is as changeable as the wind.  She would have no problem redirecting funds left to her for resolving the dispute to her own benefit.  While I love her deeply, I am under no illusions about which parts of her character I wished were stronger. Cuz both of us have way too much of BOTH our parents in us, and that’s ok.

If reincarnation exists, maybe next time Dad’s soul will win the battle of good against evil, and if we happen to be within each others’ sphere of influence, we can move to find forgiveness and selflessness in each other.  Or not.  Without concrete proof of an after-life, maybe this is as certain as I can get.

2 thoughts on “Search for a deeper purpose or meaning in the battle to live

  1. I think you’re doing the best you can. And in my own belief system, yes your mother knows and is no doubt glad. And yes you get to see her again, maybe spend time as it is known where they go. Ain’t saying you got to believe as I do, but I know it brings me comfort. If it is indeed nothing after we go, well at least we had this reality, right? What we do here matters. I think everyone ‘gets’ that on some level whatever they might think about what comes next. In the service of others is the best way one can spend the time we’re given in my opinion. And you’re doing that for your mother and your brother. I don’t know the details, but if you can find it in yourself to forgive your father here, it will make YOU feel better. The people we encounter who hurt us and who act against what we see as ‘better behavior’ can really still affect us, even if we physically banish them if we allow them to continue to live in our heads. Complete banishment by forgiveness frees you from that. And as I said I don’t know nor need to know the gritty details of what’s happened. The last thing I’ll say is that death and money bring out the worst in everybody. I found that out for myself after hubby toddled off and after his father died. I didn’t like much how I acted come right down to it. Forgiving ourselves is part of the equation, not that it sounds like you need to do that. I think you have a healthy grasp of what needs to happen and what to do. Trust yourself now. Faith that it’s going to work out for the best is the hardest part of this next leg of your journey (in my opinion).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, he’s forgiven, or excused, or whatever, by me.

    The only reason we don’t have a current relationship (not that you wanted the details), is because he’s still so mean, unhappy and bitter.

    I was civil to him when my brother was dying (and he was rebreaking my baby sis’s heart).

    I was civil to him during my older brother’s funeral in 2005, when he insisted on starring in the final events.

    I am hoping it will all work out, and only time will tell about what it will involve to get us to the finish line. I just hope there won’t be a lot of collateral damage for my sis, sister-in-law and nephews due to his take-no-prisoners style of family warfare.

    The lawyer hasn’t quit the case yet, so that’s a good thing.


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