I think the hardest thing for me to do, is to find a sense of urgency about everything I want to accomplish before I leave this earthly plane.
I heard back from the lawyer that the Cemetery is still disputing my mother’s (estate’s) claim to the grave which holds the remains of my baby brother, Jimmy. No surprise, there. Replied with instructions to stay the course, and go after Daddy Dearest to once again buy back his half of the plot, or allow me to pay him for my brother’s remains so that he may be exhumed and reburied with my Mom.
Didn’t get any flowers from my baby sis on my birthday (clear confirmation that she’s still p*ssed off), and so I was proactive to update the lawyer that my being put out on disability was on track, while also reminding her to emphasize that it was me, alone, responsible for any drama that Dear Old Dad might choose to stir up once he gets the offer letter. Maybe, my written confirmation that I’ve likely got only 3-5 years left (and thus he’ll outlive me) will work to sway his cold, black heart. Heaven knows, I learned from the best how to be heartless.
It’s very hard to put a delicate negotiation like this in the hands of another, but if heaven exists, and I get in to see Mom, she’ll know I tried my best after screwing up for resolving this at the time of her death. If she no longer exists, and life ends on this earthly plane with no rhyme or reason beyond chaos theory, then that’s ok, too.
The reward is in the doing. And the prevailing to achieve one’s goals.
If this ends up like some crappy morality tale, where the solution came too late to make a difference, then them’s the cards we played, and he wins. Again.
I just know that I can’t trust this to baby sis as she wasn’t a part of this story, and as her belief system is as changeable as the wind. She would have no problem redirecting funds left to her for resolving the dispute to her own benefit. While I love her deeply, I am under no illusions about which parts of her character I wished were stronger. Cuz both of us have way too much of BOTH our parents in us, and that’s ok.
If reincarnation exists, maybe next time Dad’s soul will win the battle of good against evil, and if we happen to be within each others’ sphere of influence, we can move to find forgiveness and selflessness in each other. Or not. Without concrete proof of an after-life, maybe this is as certain as I can get.