Aging and Embracing Change


15 years after I decided to leave the big fruit company for the next-to-last time, I’m on the threshold of change and it’s again a milestone birthday.  55.  Double nickles.  The speed limit in most of the US while traveling highways.  And the question pops up… Do you follow the rules, or do you break the limits and risk a speeding ticket?

I’ve always been a lead foot.  Within reason.

As I prepare for Wednesday to be my last day of employment before moving onto the disability obstacle course, I have little idea of what’s going to happen next.  Beyond the fact that I need to learn to NOT apologize for being unwell, and also to remain my own best advocate and letting the medical documents and test results speak for me.

Seems strange to be embracing idleness.

As I sit here with my weekend challenges behind me from our final outdoor show of the season, I’m pleased to have found someone to try to get my healthcare proxy and other legal documents filed so that I can get those steps ready for final need.

My right arm is still killing me (still heart complications, I believe) and my right side is still a melody of small of aches in my back / rib pains, confirming that the heart is likely giving out.

Still haven’t been to the doc or the emergency room, though, as anything they are likely to do will only prolong the inevitable.  Walking the fine line between knowing what’s going on (and choosing palliative care) and not knowing what’s going on to ensure no aggressive measures are taken is a fine line, but I’m walking it to the best of my ability.

I have 3 days left of work that “must” be completed, and trying to psych myself up to going into the office vs. working from home.  Decisions, decisions, decisions…

15 years ago today, I was on the verge of leaving the big fruit company, and even though I eventually went back, I’ve never regretted that decision.  I took a bunch of friends deep sea fishing to celebrate turning 40, and I threw myself a birthday party at the local Japanese steak house.  While there are no plans to celebrate in a big way this year (I caught up with my 50th’s big bash last year, so I’m a bit off schedule), I am looking forward to whatever comes next with anticipation.

This may be one of the stupidest choices I’ve ever made (to leave work and apply for disability), but I’m willing to take the risk and see what happens next.

Wish me luck, that this all works out ok.

2 thoughts on “Aging and Embracing Change

  1. I’ll do more than wish you luck, I ENVISION it working perfectly for you. It’s scary, but you may find to your surprise that it’s not as scary as you thought. We tend to make our fears huge and grant them power that they don’t possess. While I admit this decision is risky, I also think it’s the best one so you can enjoy whatever time you have how YOU want instead of having to bend your will or time to someone else. That’s the beauty part.
    That we have time to spend as we wish. Alien thinking to our generation, but once you embrace it, well worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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