Search for a deeper purpose or meaning in the battle to live

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I think the hardest thing for me to do, is to find a sense of urgency about everything I want to accomplish before I leave this earthly plane.

I heard back from the lawyer that the Cemetery is still disputing my mother’s (estate’s) claim to the grave which holds the remains of my baby brother, Jimmy.  No surprise, there.  Replied with instructions to stay the course, and go after Daddy Dearest to once again buy back his half of the plot, or allow me to pay him for my brother’s remains so that he may be exhumed and reburied with my Mom.

Didn’t get any flowers from my baby sis on my birthday (clear confirmation that she’s still p*ssed off), and so I was proactive to update the lawyer that my being put out on disability was on track, while also reminding her to emphasize that it was me, alone, responsible for any drama that Dear Old Dad might choose to stir up once he gets the offer letter.  Maybe, my written confirmation that I’ve likely got only 3-5 years left (and thus he’ll outlive me) will work to sway his cold, black heart.  Heaven knows, I learned from the best how to be heartless.

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It’s very hard to put a delicate negotiation like this in the hands of another, but if heaven exists, and I get in to see Mom, she’ll know I tried my best after screwing up for resolving this at the time of her death.  If she no longer exists, and life ends on this earthly plane with no rhyme or reason beyond chaos theory, then that’s ok, too.

The reward is in the doing.  And the prevailing to achieve one’s goals.

If this ends up like some crappy morality tale, where the solution came too late to make a difference, then them’s the cards we played, and he wins.  Again.

I just know that I can’t trust this to baby sis as she wasn’t a part of this story, and as her belief system is as changeable as the wind.  She would have no problem redirecting funds left to her for resolving the dispute to her own benefit.  While I love her deeply, I am under no illusions about which parts of her character I wished were stronger. Cuz both of us have way too much of BOTH our parents in us, and that’s ok.

If reincarnation exists, maybe next time Dad’s soul will win the battle of good against evil, and if we happen to be within each others’ sphere of influence, we can move to find forgiveness and selflessness in each other.  Or not.  Without concrete proof of an after-life, maybe this is as certain as I can get.

The 11th hour before freedom

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…and finding a way to make it all work without being focused on my discomfort.

The change in meds, to go back to my December 2014 standards vs. keeping on with the medicines that helped me breathe better but also made my exhaustion and side effects worse, is improving my quality of life.

The picture above is the typical start to any day where I’m not immediately running out the door.  11 medicines to keeping my engine running, cold water and an egg and ham omlet (with ketchup) to help wash them down and keep them down.  Blood sugar testing kit before any food.  My medicine and food log.

Computer glasses, phone log and the work computer in support of any early morning meetings.

TV control gizmos to crank up or down the sound, and change channels without actually moving my butt, plus the headset for work calls on my computer.  Typical day / night set up, that’s going to be hard to stop.  I think.

Oh, and a lottery ticket for results update.  Who knows?  Today could be my lucky day.  Life changing in more than one aspect.

They finally replaced the driers in the laundry room, so I have sorted laundry all over the bathroom floor, awaiting attention.  And, after washing the kitchen floor, I can finally get access to the coins, laundry detergent and anti-static sheets to begin that series of chores while trying to multi-task my last days of working full time.

And, I need a nap.

Trying to bull my way through the daily tiredness and not fall prey to laziness / alternate sleeping schedules as I don’t have to be anywhere any time soon.  Also thinking about whether or not I’m a slacker and well enough to work…

Anyway, I tell you all that to tell you this…  I still feel like a big fat faker.

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I read positive-thinking meme’s like the one above, and make myself crazy thinking that I can just push through the tiredness and exhaustion, regardless of the statistical reality of my breathing numbers, and it’s maddening.

I will be so happy once I move on to the next phase of this process for understanding if I have to report into work each day, or if I’m accountable solely to myself (and the government for filling out the proper forms) for figuring out what happens next, where the money is going to come from, and how I’m going to afford to live.

For right now, I’m mostly focused on putting one foot in front of the other.  It’s all good.  Or, good enough.

Aging and Embracing Change

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15 years after I decided to leave the big fruit company for the next-to-last time, I’m on the threshold of change and it’s again a milestone birthday.  55.  Double nickles.  The speed limit in most of the US while traveling highways.  And the question pops up… Do you follow the rules, or do you break the limits and risk a speeding ticket?

I’ve always been a lead foot.  Within reason.

As I prepare for Wednesday to be my last day of employment before moving onto the disability obstacle course, I have little idea of what’s going to happen next.  Beyond the fact that I need to learn to NOT apologize for being unwell, and also to remain my own best advocate and letting the medical documents and test results speak for me.

Seems strange to be embracing idleness.

As I sit here with my weekend challenges behind me from our final outdoor show of the season, I’m pleased to have found someone to try to get my healthcare proxy and other legal documents filed so that I can get those steps ready for final need.

My right arm is still killing me (still heart complications, I believe) and my right side is still a melody of small of aches in my back / rib pains, confirming that the heart is likely giving out.

Still haven’t been to the doc or the emergency room, though, as anything they are likely to do will only prolong the inevitable.  Walking the fine line between knowing what’s going on (and choosing palliative care) and not knowing what’s going on to ensure no aggressive measures are taken is a fine line, but I’m walking it to the best of my ability.

I have 3 days left of work that “must” be completed, and trying to psych myself up to going into the office vs. working from home.  Decisions, decisions, decisions…

15 years ago today, I was on the verge of leaving the big fruit company, and even though I eventually went back, I’ve never regretted that decision.  I took a bunch of friends deep sea fishing to celebrate turning 40, and I threw myself a birthday party at the local Japanese steak house.  While there are no plans to celebrate in a big way this year (I caught up with my 50th’s big bash last year, so I’m a bit off schedule), I am looking forward to whatever comes next with anticipation.

This may be one of the stupidest choices I’ve ever made (to leave work and apply for disability), but I’m willing to take the risk and see what happens next.

Wish me luck, that this all works out ok.

Happy Sunday !

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Got through yesterday without needing a nap, which is a great comfort to me.  Absolutely tired.  Packed my inhaler.  But, I went through about five 12-20 oz containers of Dasani water and ice, due to the incredible heat wave, and it was all good !

We have our booth stationed between olive-based soaps on the right, and exotic, olive-based condiments on the left (no idea why for either topic, we’re just noticing a theme and happy to be in the shade for most of the day, LOL).

On this day last year, my NV Auntie was going off the rails, and I ended up flying standby to Las Vegas the following weekend (thanks to a very dear friend who went with me) because I’d made the vow to let Auntie’s situation be what it was, and I was no longer jumping through hoops for a situation that I can’t make better.

When the latest drama all came down, I made the decision to put Auntie’s situation into the hands of Adult Protective Services, and I’ve never regretted it for a moment since.  There are some things that all the love and attention in the world can’t fix without professional intervention, and this particular situation remains in that arena.

But, I tell you all that to tell you this…  Whatever happens with the disability decision, I’m ok with the outcome.  While I would never want to end up like my Aunt, lying in bed moaning about what a dirty hand life has dealt me, I’m going to hope that my disability journey has a different outcome.

I’m going to continue to set challenges for myself, and focus on the fact that the breathing numbers (not my total incapacity) set the limit for how to manage my life, and do not dictate what that life can still be.  As long as I plan ahead and keep on trying, I will continue to enjoy myself and risk the consequences of any poor choices.

For today, it’s starting off pretty good.  The pen is holding (I broke part of our tent roof structure yesterday, when the support pin wouldn’t align into place, but rather dropped back inside the support leg, out of reach to do its job).

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MacGuyver lives !  A $.99 pen is keeping a $100 investment going, LOL !

My partner made $231 and I made $93, so we’re at a little over $300 for Day 1.

We’re in an area with heavy church goers, but they love their outdoor events, and so today should be another good day and lots of fun.

Hope you’re enjoying your Sunday !

Final show weekend of the year

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Keeping involved in life, whether feeling great or feeling crappy, is important for everyone.  Having a hobby, even if not a full-blown passion, is critical, IMHO, to remaining mentally balanced while things may be crashing and burning elsewhere in life.

In my case, I make and sell jewelry.

Nothing too fancy.  Usually something fun.  Inexpensive trinkets, that hopefully make people smile or bring a momentary joy into their lives.

As I’m preparing for today’s event, I’m happy to say that getting off the more powerful COPD meds is having a bit of an improved effect of not being EXHAUSTED all the time.  I’m still tired.  I still need naps.  But, while I have less stamina to do things without breathing difficulties, I am also finding that I am able to stay awake longer.  The habit of going until I must crash seems to be lessened.

Today is going to be a very physical day. I have my fingers crossed that I won’t need a nap and that things should be ok.  Here’s to my last show of 2015 – let’s hope it goes well !

And you?  What’s up for your Saturday?

COPD side effects – urinary retention? Jeeze Louise !

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

The latest hassle appears to be urinary retention.  Now, I stopped taking the Striverdi Respimat as of September 7th, however, it’s the 25th and I’ve been noticing an increasing pressure / need to pee, to the point where I couldn’t even walk around for an hour today without having to hit a public restroom.  Looking up the side effects of that particular medicine, I just found “urine retention” in the fine print, which could explain a lot of what’s been going on since last weekend or so.

Having had my bladder repaired in a surgery when I was 5, I understand about bladder issues and hate them.

Sitting here with my eyes blurry, my back sore, and feeling full has finally brought me back to memories of my childhood and constant urinary infection tests.  Not wanting to aggravate things by swimming, I haven’t been back since my Monday night class, and I’m frustrated.  I can’t believe that it took me until this evening to remember about urinary retention and catheters.  (Sigh).

Denial is persistent and strong in me, so I guess I should be happy I remembered this challenge at all.

So, I’ll hope that the next two days aren’t horrible for not having access to rest rooms or portapotties, and I’ll go see if acidolphidis (or howevayaspell it) is able to cure urinary retention.

I really don’t want to be cathetered to eliminate this problem and (hopefully) cure my blurry vision and back pain.  I’m trying to remember to be thankful that I have the internet to help me beat a hospital energency room visit…

I really don’t have time for this drama.